Advice: A positive change

12 July 2015
Oh hi! How are you all doing?

I thought I would take some time to have a chat with you guys as I've been in a rut lately that I cant seem to get myself out of. I really enjoy writing on this blog as I do dream of myself as Carrie Bradshaw on a regular basis and although I'm not the best writer in the world I hope my words can help in some way.

So I started my blog in May 2014 as a hobby as I was so fed up of the same routines in my everyday life, that I needed a good distraction before I crumbled into a pit of shame, willowing in my own despair. Sounds depressing right...well it was. So I started writing about beauty, fashion and lifestyle and I was so good at writing three posts a week but then it started to feel wrong and I soon realised that my passions dont really rely in these areas as much as I have a passion for helping people.

I am/was such a positive person back in the day but over the last couple of years I have felt myself changing into that wingeing friend that no one wants to be around. And that just isn't ME. So this post is about the start of a big change, a positive and happy one. I want to become the BEST version of myself and live a life that I can be content with...
I think the start of this moaning self, began with my anxiety.
Back in 2010 I was involved in a car crash with my sister which resulted in a written off car and whip lash for me. We were super lucky that was all the damage, as it could have been horrific. But since that day I haven't felt the same. You could say June 2010 was life changing for me.

My whip lash symptoms started with the hope they would fade into nothing, I could get on with my life as normal and forget about the event that took place that day. To my annoyance they got worse. A whole lot worse. At first I couldn't walk on the streets without a fear a car was going to drive into me. I felt like I was going to have panic attacks all the time but I was good at reading my body and distracting the effects, THANK GOD! I couldn't bare the thought of having a breakdown while I was on an internship, in front of people I didn't know!! This panic slowly got better over time but I now can't get into a car without freaking out that I am going to get hit again. Its something I am dealing with myself as I refuse to go on any sort of medication to help me.

Now, I know there are lots of people in the world with much more serious problems, I'm not trying to get pitty or anything of the sorts. I'm just figuring out where it all went wrong and how I can make the change for the better. So since the whiplash I noticed my neck was going numb, thinking some physio would sort me right out I had a good few sessions to see if there was any progression. I noticed small differences every time I went but nothing major so I ended up stopping that treatment and life went on. I went through a stressful period in my life where I had left uni and was trying to get a job and in the mean time the numbness was getting worse.

I had glandular fever in between all of this too which led to a fear I might have ME but resulted in chronic fatigue. That was a much better result but I still get bouts of it now and it effected me a lot at the time. From then (2012) to now I have undergone a series of tests to find out where the numbness was coming from as over the years it has spread down my back, arms, legs and bum. It has even effected my sex life as the numbness has spread too far. Its a kind of numb where you can feel something is touching you but not completely, like when you get pins and needles. Its an absolute pain in the ass (no pun intended ha!) and no doctor has given me any answers so I have the fear this is always something I am going to live with. 

I dont think I would mind as much if it didnt also come with a lot of pain in the neck and lower back. I'm afraid I wont be able to headbang anymore guys..I'm sorry. So thats another thing I am going to have to complain to the doctors about as well as my flair ups of IBS (Irritable Bowl Syndrome). 

I guess over the last 5 years I have had to deal with a lot. I've had my accident, trying to graduate uni with Glandular Fever (which I had to get in third year), family issues; which I will go into another time and trying to get a job out of uni, that I am happy in.

I never realised how much this has all effected me until I'm writing this right now. For five years I have let the incidents of one day control me and I cant deny how sad that makes me feel. I'm happy I have noticed that I need to make a change and sharing this with you is the first step to putting it all behind me and becoming that happy positive person I once was...

And so to round this up. No, this wouldn't be how I would want to spend my life. My resolution this year was to be happy, something that sounds so simple but quite hard to achieve. This is going to be my number one goal from now on and a thought I'm going to keep in mind when I make decisions in the future.
I'm sorry for the rambley post but I wanted to be honest with you all. I have always been honest and caring in the past and I have realised that talking about whats in your mind is the best kind of therapy to move on from whats stopping you being yourself. Lets share a journey of happiness together and have an amazing happiness party at the other end where we can say goodbye to the negative and hello to the positives.
I have been stuck in a rut for so long with this blog and what I want it to be, but now I have realised....

I want to help people. Give tips on happiness and to feel great and get motivated to really live your life the way you want. Say no to who and whatever is holding you back and yes to a better you. 

I hope this has been helpful in some way, do comment with your stories and rambles and lets create a community where we can help each other change them into positives. 

Lots of love 
Khrissie x

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